'Nstuff
Thoughts
Thoughts
May 12th
It has been a while and since I use this blog as more of a journal than anything else, today I am writing to help me figure out where my head is, what I am feeling and if I am ready for today…
Today, in 6 hours, my husband is getting a vasectomy. In all practicality it makes complete sense. But if you know me or have read this blog before you would already know that logistics and being practical are not me. Not in the slightest. We have 3 kids. The first two were conceived on birth control (the pill) and the third was conceived the first month after we went off birth control. We are fertile. Very fertile. So fertile that when house hunting we were advised to look at homes with separate master bedrooms!
Before we got married I always thought that two kids would be perfect. I only had one sibling growing up. I thought that was perfect. My husband had 4 other siblings. He thought 2-4 kids was good. After having our second boy we knew we were not done. We didn’t feel like our family was complete and I wanted a girl. We tried again and got our girl. We feel like our family is complete.
BUT… what if it isn’t? If I could guarantee that we would have another girl so that Baby Girl E could have a sister then I would seriously consider it. I have the most perfect baby boy name that we had ready to go in case E was a boy… I would love another baby but another baby changes everything. Four kids all of the sudden rockets us into the “BIG FAMILY” size. We can no longer fit in a car. Another kids adds to the added cost of a family. It is one more college fund to open. It would mean when all the kids are grown up and when they each had a significant other of their own, there would be a total of 10 of us. That is huge. If we had another kid it would be that much longer before all the kids are out of the house. It would be that much longer before my husband and I finally got our newlywed time (we got pregnant 2 months after getting married. M was born 20 days before out first anniversary)
If we had another baby, we would get another baby. I still feel robbed of E’s infant-hood because of the scare of, countless doctor appointments and endless hours of fearful Googling of finding out she had a fused sagital suture that would need to be operated on.
A vasectomy is so final. It is the end. No more kids. It is hard to give up that option. What about my perfect little boy’s name or that little sister for E? I would love to be able to say with complete confedence that I am ready to take this step but I can’t. I mourn the babies that could be even though I love where our family is right now. I am content and happy where we are and with the family we have. Adding another child to the mix would be near impossible. We have three kids ages four and under right now. Adding a fourth would be insane. But so wonderful. But so hard. But to have another natural pregnancy and to give birth at home again. But the cost and logistics… everything would change.
Six hours. I will cry when it happens. I will feel guilty about the relief that washes over me knowing that it is done. I will mourn perfect baby boy name and little sister to E. But I think it is the right decision. I think. I wish I knew.
Mar 28th

Ever since she found them she doesn’t want to let them go. She smiles every time she grabs them. I smile too.
Mar 28th
Life has been more than challenging recently.
P’s ear tube surgery went really well. He still drains gross goop from his ears whenever he gets sick but he has only complained of ear pain a handful of times since the surgery compared to complaining about them multiple times a day.
E’s surgery went well. More on that later.
M is still in the screening process for Autism/Aspergers. He is still on the Gluten Free Casein Free (GF/CF) diet. He seems to be doing really well and the improvement has been drastic- at least in our opinion.
Last week we were hit by a nasty flu bug that had P in the ER because of extreme dehydration and scary lethargy. He didn’t eat for 5 days. He is just now starting to eat again and getting some color back in his cheeks.
Mar 22nd

Sunday there was snow everywhere. Monday the sun came out for 3 hours and I even saw the lilies starting to poke up. Today it rained all day and tonight the weather man is predicting 6-10 inches of snow.
Feb 21st
Tomorrow we leave for Mayo for E’s surgery. She has pre-op appointments all day and surgery is on Wednesday.
I am normally an over packer. Pack for everything and you will be prepared for anything. But how do you pack for 6 days at a hospital. What do I pack for my 6month old baby girl? What will she need? What she needs is for me to be a mom and do what mom’s do- kiss away the pain… but I can’t do that so I am packing baby leggings. Lots of baby leggings. I am over packing comfy sleepers. I packed countless onesies. I don’t even know if they will let me dress her or if she will be in a hospital gown the whole time.
So that leaves me and my husband. What do we wear? What do the parents of a 6month old undergoing surgery wear? I won’t be able to breastfeed the first few days so I don’t have to wear my mommy uniform of nursing tanks and sweats.
All of this is too much.
The stress has been giving me migraines and an upset stomach. I don’t know how I will get through the next few days but I have to be strong for my baby girl.
I will update as much as I can.
Feb 16th
Monday was a “not bad but not good day” according to M’s Preschool teacher.
Tuesday was a “really good day” at the gym’s drop in day care.
Today’s report from M’s preschool teacher was, “bad bad day.”
Tonight I made homemade french fries, carrots and applesauce with almond milk to drink. M didn’t eat much of anything but drank all his milk. P loved the french fries.
At home I feel like M is more controllable. There are not as many tantrums. He transitions better from activity to activity. I rarely see stim movements.
I am still hopeful that the diet will/is help(ing). It hasn’t even been a week. I don’t think we can be definitive about anything yet. Next week will be a challenge. My folks are watching the boys while my husband and I are at the hospital (it is an hour away and we will be staying there over night with E). There isn’t a meal my mom prepares that doesn’t include a homemade bun with loads of butter. Plus she will be down at the hospital the day of the surgery so my dad, who specializes in cheesy omelets and cheese burgers, will be chef for the day… I have a feeling I will be do a very big Trader Joes stock up before we leave on Tuesday.
This diet is a challenge but if M’s positive behavior change is because of the diet than it is worth it.
Feb 16th

Today marks one week. Seven days and she has her surgery. She has a runny nose and a cough. She needs to get over this cold, soon.
Feb 16th
I don’t know if it is because all the challenges with M or with E’s surgery next week and because I have little to no control over either OR because I have been spending way to much time browsing home renovation blogs…. for whatever reason I have been having an overwhelming need to paint our now green living room gray.
So far I am loving Young House Love(‘s) living room gray color. I love how fresh it looks against the white trim yet it is still a warm gray. I think I want it just a bit darker though… maybe that would be a good gray for the entry way and then go just a shade darker in the living room? The room does get a lot of light all day long.
I think that swatches and paint samples are necessary. I see a trip to Big Orange in the kids and I future… maybe as a reward for a good work out at the gym?!
Feb 14th

I thought I would share a photo of my baby girl E. She is already 6 1/2 months old. There isn’t a bouquet of flowers that could compete with her beauty. I love her. In eight days she will have surgery and subsequently they will have to shave her head bald and cut an incision from ear to ear. She will still be beautiful. I mean seriously, look at those eyes, her chubby cheeks and that sweet smile!
Feb 14th
I have been reading this book by Karyn Seroussi:

I am only half way through the book so I will write more about the book itself when I am done but for now let me tell you about the diet we started M on because of the book.
M still hasn’t been officially diagnosed with Autism or Aspergers yet but we are almost positive that he on the spectrum somewhere. Because of that, I have been reading anything and everything on the subject. Almost every site I came across mentioned the Casein Free Gluten Free Diet (CF/GF). T (husband) was a complete skeptic because of everything he read online about the diet. He reads sites written by doctors and scientist. I was hopeful and encouraged by what I read on blogs and forums written by parents.
There is a debate between parents and doctors. Doctors think that the CF/GF doesn’t help. Many parents who try the diet see results. We are on day three of the diet and I am ecstatic to share that both my husband and I now side with the parents.
On Friday afternoon I picked up M from preschool and the teacher reported that it was “another bad day.” She said that he is now chewing on things and had gravitated toward one specific toy that looked like a giant version of one of the stress reliever balls that people keep at that cubicles to squeeze when they are pissed at their boss. He would only sit still if he had that toy and he could squeeze it over and over again and when he got really worked up, we would chew on it. He was extra pushy and was getting into the other kids’ faces more than normal. Deflated and overwhelmed I decided then and there that we were going to Trader Joes to buy anything I could find that was CF/GF. Because M was all wound up I was only able to pick up enough CF/GF supplies to get me through breakfast and lunch the following day.
That next morning (Saturday) I toasted up the GF waffles and poured the Almond milk into M’s glass. I watched closely anticipating a reaction to the “milk” but M didn’t seem to notice a difference. He drank all the milk right way just like he always does and then he ate his whole waffle. So far, so good. For lunch M ate CF/GF pizza. During quiet time (what used to be afternoon nap time is now quiet (movie) time) I went to Trader Joe’s by myself and stocked up on everything I could find. I tried to find a replacement for all his favorites. I bought a rice version of Mac N’ Cheese. I bought more Almond Milk and some Rice milk too. I walked around the store with two printed of lists, both about 5 pages each, of foods and drinks that were GF and Vegan (they didn’t have a CF list). I cross referenced the lists to find things that were both CF and GF. It was overwhelming, exhausting and upsetting. I nearly broke down in tears when I asked for help and explained that my son was Autistic and we were starting the GF/CF diet. The assistant was very helpful and wasn’t at all surprised. I wasn’t the first mom in here doing this same thing. That was a comfort but still didn’t take away the sting of needing to shop for special food.
On the drive home, the van filled will new foods, I cried. I felt just like Karen wrote in her book, “This is not happening to me. I didn’t sign up for this. I’m not cut out to be one of those noble parents of the disabled.”
When I walked in the door T greeted me and was excited to show me what he and M had done. He was surprised to see my eyes well up with tears when he showed me that M had practiced writing his name. T said, “Isn’t this what you do with him? Don’t you make him practice. I thought that is what you said you did?!” I choked out a reply about how that is what I try to do but normally all I get is a scribble or a half hearted attempt. This was clearly different. He has attempted every letter of his name, multiple times. I told this to T and his eyes got wide. I could tell he didn’t understand the significance of this. I explained further that even at school they are lucky to get him to write more than a scribble even on his best days. I explained that even to get him to sit still long enough to write as much as he did was HUGE. T went on to point out the different letters and how he made M try again when T thought the letters were not good enough.
I couldn’t believe it. In a little over 24 hours we were already seeing a change. The rest of the day went by and I watched M closely. There were no tantrums, no chewing, very very little stimming.
Could diet make that big of a difference so quickly or was M just having a really good day?
This morning I took M to preschool and he voluntarily went to the wipe off board to sign in. He tried not once, not twice but THREE times to write his name. Each time focusing and taking his time. Usually as soon as he gets in the room he goes straight toward the train track bins (which is his obsession right now) and he starts playing. Sometimes instead of toys, he will go up to a group of kids and start acting out to get their attention. I couldn’t believe it.
I gave the teachers his Almond Milk for lunch and explained the diet we had implemented and the changes we had already saw. I said that I am still a bit skeptical but asked them to please let me know how the day went at pick up time. Today will be a big test. They have a big Valentines Day party and their schedule will be very different than usual. M hates a change in schedule. If today is a “good” day or even if it isn’t a “bad” day I know the diet is helping.