Thoughts
Posts tagged depression
39 weeks 1 day
Jul 8th
6 days until my due date.
My hormones are driving me to the edge. I have become very resentful and angry. All I want to do is sleep or shop. Sleeping takes me away from everything. Well… not quite everything. Last night I had a dream about all the “signs” of going into labor. I dreamt that I went to the bathroom and while I was sitting on the toilet I lost my mucus plug. I woke up mid dream convinced it was one of those dreams like when you dream the phone is ringing and when you wake up you realize the phone is ringing in real life. I prayed when I woke up mid mucus plug dream. I prayed while I waddled to the bathroom. I prayed when I sat down on the toilet…. it wasn’t a phone ringing dream. I have not lost my mucus plug. The fact that I still have that slimy, bloody plug in me pisses me off. I don’t think this baby is ever going to come.
The nursery is getting more “finished” every day, that said if Baby is waiting for it to be done before she makes her debut I am more than willing to be done. Basically I keep adding crafty crap too keep me busy.
Other areas where I am losing patience is with M. His fourth birthday is on Saturday and still he has only pooped on the potty twice. I sit in the bathroom with him and read books. I hold my laptop on my lap while Diego plays on Netflix watch instantly. I bribe him with toys and treats. And still nothing. NOTHING! He will be four in two days and he won’t poop on the potty. I have failed.
I don’t know if there is something called prepardum depression, but if there is I think I have it. I can’t seem to shake this mood swing. I am feeling down, defeated, defensive and cranky. I know it is bad because sitting next to my laptop right now is an untouched and melting bowl of ice cream. I guess that is one thing to be happy about, I was able to resist a bowl of ice cream… at least my midwife would be proud of that.
Downer
Feb 3rd
After giving birth to M I did not bond with him immediately. I even suffered from a mild case of baby blues for about 2 months after he was born. As he grew I began to feel more capable, I started to fall in love with him and then finally I started to come out of the postpartum depression fog.
With P, I feel in love instantly and there were no baby blues.
Now this time around I am fighting pregnancy blues. I didn’t even know that they existed… Thanks to the power of Google and some searching on Baby Center I was able to sigh a huge sigh of relief, pregnancy depression is not uncommon. It isn’t the norm, by any means, but it does happen. Just knowing that I am not alone helps. I have mentioned here and here that I have been dealing with extreme mood swings. And now it seems that my hormones have taken me in a whole new direction. Sadness, blues, unshakable blahs and general gloominess has set in. I get into a funk and all I can say to T is, “I don’t KNOW! I am just so very sad…”
I find comfort in reading old archived posts of Heather’s at Dooce. I am no where near where she was, thank God, but I can relate and I must give a viral shout out of thanks to her for being so open and honest. It really does help to hear that I am not alone. That I shouldn’t feel guilty and it isn’t for lack of love for the baby -born or unborn- it is hormones.
Right now I am 17 weeks along. I have been cramping alot lately and not just the tearing, stretchy feeling of my abs being yanked apart, it is the type of cramp that makes me go to dark places. What if this is a sign of premature labor? What happens if I go into labor at 17 weeks? What if this baby is the little girl my heart wants so bad and I loose her before I even get to meet her? What if… it gets darker and darker.
I called my doctor today, she wasn’t in so I left a series of messages for another on-call doctor (just one more reason I need to get moving and start interviewing midwives). I finally got a call late this afternoon. I am suppose to lay low the rest of the day, drink lots of fluids and not lift a thing – including my boys. This regime is suppose to help the doctor to determine if I need to go in for testing tomorrow or if the cramping is just a result of me pushing myself to hard.
So far I have caught up on all my favorite blogs (right now So Fawned is at the top of my fav list), discovered a few great etsy pages (if this baby is a girl I plan on duplicating this quilt for a wall hanging in her nursery) and have gotten updated on all the celebrity gossip (did you hear that the Duggar boys saved a little girl’s life?) Throughout my hours of enriching and very educational web surfing I have still felt cramps. They have lessened slightly but are still present.
Time will tell. If I am still cramping tomorrow I have to go in and get checked out. Hopefully it is the baby giving me a little warning to slow down and not something more serious. My husband keeps bringing me Gatorade and is doing a great job of keeping the boys from climbing all over me. This is what every mom wants, a free pass to sit on the couch and do nothing, right?! Not so much. I would tackle the 8 laundry baskets of unfolded laundry and even put every last sock away neatly folded in drawers if it meant everything was ok with this baby. But that won’t do it. I just have to sit here(or more precisely, lay on my left side) and keep distracting myself from thinking the worse.
Happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts…. maybe there was a good Oprah on today.
