Thoughts
Posts tagged me
Hardwood
Nov 8th
The Mask is Off
Oct 7th
Well… that didn’t last long.
I started this site thinking I would be able to create my own little place in cyberspace. A place that I could be me with out the people pleasing act. A place where I could rant and rave about everything and everything.
I didn’t set out to become popular blogger. The exact opposite actually. I don’t want people in my “real” life to know about this site. The last thing I need in my life is one more thing to feel judged about. I say feel because I know I over dissect every look, every sigh, every guarded comment, every not so subtle suggestion, every…. everything. I worry about what they (everyone) think. I doubt anyone of those everyones think about me half as much as I worry about them judging me.
I would be a fantastic politician. I have the ability to adapt to what people want or need. I can be a friend, a poster perfect daughter in law that can be introduced at church, a fun loving sister in law, an advice giving older sister, a confident witty wife to show off to co-workers…. I was a theatre major for goodness sakes. That said, I didn’t want to play a role. I wanted to be me… who ever that is.
Well. Its over now.
I don’t know what will change. The site barely got off the ground. Maybe I will just decide to screw ‘em all and keep ranting and raving. Let them think what they think.
Or, maybe… just maybe, I will make the BIL that discovered my site sign a confidentiality clause and use his Christmas and Birthday presents for the next 10 yejuars as collateral. Not a bad idea. Anyone know a good lawyer?!
**UPDATE**
It is morning. Last night was… well it was a roller coaster. I always knew that this could happen, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. I thought that if the site was at least established, had regular traffic, I had archives rich with witty posts, helpful tips and reviews and posts with comments that it wouldn’t be so embarrassing. It wouldn’t feel like someone peeking into my dear diary moments.
I wanted to be credible. I am proud of my little website. A lot went into the design. I have spent hours blogging and tweeting but it still doesn’t feel ready for the scrutiny of my family.
This “update” may read as a contradiction to what I wrote last night in the heat of it all.
“I didn’t set out to become popular blogger. The exact opposite actually.”
I can see the hypocrisy. I want to clarify. I didn’t plan to create this super secret website and then once it became popular send the link to my friends and family and say, “HA! I am more than a SAHM. I am a credible blogger who has readers!” That wasn’t the plan. At all. I wanted this to be mine. And eventually if my family found it, stumbled across it, googled Meg and somehow found this site, I would be fine with it.
Why is it that having readers, comments and traffic makes me feel like this site is legit. I know that if I just told my family about it, my traffic would triple. It is not that I have that big of a family either. It is that I have so little traffic now! There is a very insecure, self conscious need to be validated little Meg that site whining on my shoulder. The whispers, cries and whines sound a little something like this, “You are JUST a SAHM.”, “You spent FOUR years and how much of your beloved Great Grandma’s money on a degree that you do NOTHING with?!”, “You are not even that great of a mom… you 3 year old can recite section of multiple Pixar movies!”
That little nagging voice haunts me and motivates me to prove myself. That is why I say I am a “Project Starter.” I start these things… remodeling the house DIY style, creating a website, endless craft project, outlines of a business plan and so many more. I want to prove to me and mine that I am something. That I am someone.
So yes. I am still upset. No this was not a plan. Yes, I did want to prove something. No, I don’t feel like I got the chance to do it. Yes, I will keep blogging. No, I don’t have any idea what my family will think…. But I can tell you one thing. I am going to do my best to be honest to myself and write an honest blog posts.
I have already caught myself adjusting once. I made a joke at the end of this original post.
“Or, maybe… just maybe, I will make the BIL that discovered my site sign a confidentiality clause and use his Christmas and Birthday presents for the next 10 years as collateral. Not a bad idea. Anyone know a good lawyer?!”
I wanted it to end on a light hearted, I don’t give a damn, carefree note. That is the role I play with my peers and my siblings. I will do my best to catch myself and admit it to me, myself and my readers.
So, where does that leave this blog that I love?
A fresh start. The new Thoughts ‘Nstuff. I am not sure what that will be but I can tell you this: I am pumped and motivated and stoked and inspired by this set back. I will not let one email sent from the wrong inbox ruin my viral fun.
That said, BIL who I love so much, please don’t forward the link to this site to everyone. Let me build it up a bit more. Let me make it what I want it to be. It could be our little secret!
Shit. I did it again….! This will take more work than I thought.
Stay tuned to the new, in check, honest and outed Thoughts ‘Nstuff. I will keep it real, even if I have to bribe my BIL to stay quiet!
-that doesn’t count. I meant that to be funny. I sweat I did. Promise! 
Just-A Syndrome
Aug 16th
I have a serious case of the self deprecating Just-A blues.
When asked, So what do you do? I respond with, “I am just a stay at home mom.”
WHY?! Why do i do that? Just a stay at home mom? There is nothing Just-A about it. I am raising two little boys. Two toddler boys to be precise. I do more than change diapers, wash laundry, pick up toys and make meals and snacks. I am raising these boys. I am responsible to rear these two little boys, to raise them to be respectful, honest, caring and responsible men.
That is not a Just-A job.
My boys look to me to set an example. If I am having a bad day they mirror that in their own actions. If I am focused, energized and minding my Ps&Qs (which by the way, I have no earthly idea what that stands for) my boys are little angles.
I kiss owies, fix balanced meals, read to them, sing song after song, encourage, support and so much more.
That is not a Just-A job.
Babysitters, Nannies, Mannies and Caregivers do not consider their jobs a Just-A job so why Why WHY do SAHMs?
I do it. I already admitted it. I do not know why. Maybe because, I grew up around strong female role models. My Mom is a CEO in a government position. My Grandmas on both side worked, one as a nurse the other farmed along side her husband. My Great Grandma ran, very successfully I might add, the family business by herself after her husband left. And now my little sister is pursuing her graduate degree.
Women in my family are successful. On my good days, I too can say I am successful. I have a fantastic husband, two great little boys and a mostly well mannered mutt. My house isn’t always clean, but we are always working on it and improving it. The problem with all of that is that as SAHMs we don’t receive professional accolades, we do sit through yearly reviews to assess our strengths and weaknesses and our co-workers (other SAHMs) don’t pat us on the back telling us, job well done. The only gauge of our success is the appearance of a happy, well adjusted, polo shirt wearing, stain free and tantrum-less family. I don’t know about you, but in our family to even get a quick snap shot for a Christmas card takes a small miracle. That doesn’t bode well for a quasi yearly review!
I don’t have any plaques, a graduate degree or employee of the month certificates to hang on the wall. I do however have these to hang on my walls:
These are masterpieces that M finger painted last summer at the age of 2.
That is a picture of my family riding in a canoe. Notice the boys sitting nicely and following our instructions not to stand up.
and this. This is my dog, Lucy. My dog that is scared to death of water, chasing after us in the canoe to make sure we were all right.
I am making a commitment to my self right now. I will never. Never ever (as M would say) describe, title, or introduce myself as Just-A Stay at Home Mom ever again.
I challenge all of you to drop the Just-A from your title, whatever that title may be.
I am a SAHM. Just-A not included.
A Patriotic 4th
Jul 4th
This morning we packed up the diaper bag with 2 changes of clothes, extra diapers, snacks and spf and headed to the MN Zoo. The zoo has been advertising their new African exhibit all summer and we have been wanting to check it out.
Giraffe at MN Zoo's African exhibt.
P and Me checking out the Giraffes
My family was in town for an early birthday celebration for M’s 3rd birthday. Besides over gifting with more tractors toys than any little boy would ever need, they treated us to a trip to the Zoo. I say treat us to a trip to the zoo because it isn’t a cheap trip. Luckily M doesn’t turn 3 until next week (not that I am above lying to get a cheaper price) because the rate for kids 3-12 is 10 bucks! Adults, which the MN Zoo considers anyone from 13-64 (which is ridiculous for a 13 year old to be considered an adult) is $16! The only consolation to the steep prices are that 2 and under are free.
It is always a mixed blessing when we go on outings with additional family. On the one hand it is nice to have the extra set(s) of hand to help juggle the kids and all their crap. On the other hand we have to take into consideration everything they want to do and see and try and get our very spirited toddlers to go along with it without to much of a melt down. And there is always the icing on the cake, being judged for our parenting techniques — more on this another time.
Today was another GMD for the most part. I felt like I let the boys have their freedom yet was still able to keep control of them.
P with his nose to the glass watching the dolphins.
M was really good. He is at such a fun age. He is now able to really take in most of everything different outings have to offer. He loved checking out the different animals. He had more patience this go around to actually look for the animals that were farther back from the fences.
M searching for the bears
Bear sleeping in a hole
The most difficult part with M today was that he wanted to walk everywhere himself. This created a problem when we tried to go anywhere at a speed faster than a turtle. EVERYTHING caught his attention. I wanted to scream! He was moving so so so slow. And of course he slowed down even more as the morning turned into almost-lunchtime-meltdown-time for P. We ended up having to split into two groups the tortoises and the hares. I lead the hares speed walking P in the stroller so he would screech so loud that monkeys would try and jump the cage to mate with him. P can scream like no one’s business. I am not kidding. He hits a decibel that competes with any wild creature mating or under attack. Where was I? Oh yes, as we wheeled around the zoo at break neck speeds, T and M and the other tortoises crawled their way to the finish line, the food court.
We took one look at the prices at the food court and headed for the van. Lunch at Mickey D’s here we come.
We finished our morning with T shouting 7 orders into the drive through microphone at McDonalds.
The boys, of course, were so over tired they wouldn’t nap so our solution was to stuff them with cake and icecream. Hoping the sugar would carry them through to bed time.
I out did my self with M’s cake this year. In keeping with the theme of tractors and his new sandbox, I made a cake in the shape of a John Deere tractor with the loader bucket filled with sand (brown sugar). I am still patting myself on the back for this one. My best good mom moment of the week was being able to pull off this cake.
M took one look at it and said, “Oh! Thanks Mom!” It melted my heart and made all the food coloring and icing worth it.
From the front porch we waived buh bye to the family as they drove off and sighed a content sigh of relief. It is great to have my family in town but even better to say buh bye.
We helped the economy by buying (and the grandparents over buying) birthday gifts for M, spending way to much on a tickets to a state zoo, ate lunch at McDonalds and if that isn’t patriotic enough T and I are closing out the day with take out Chinese and watching a Netflix. How more American can you get on our Nations 233rd birthday?!
